Wednesday, March 29, 2006

stuck in a coffee shop

i'm stuck in a coffee shop. when i left my house this morning, it was mildly cloudy but definitely not raining. therefore, i decided against the rain jacket in favor of the warmer (but hoodless) fleece. clearly i haven't learned much in my nearly five years of san francisco living. because now it's pouring. and i'm wearing flip flops and don't have a hood. so i'm stuck.

today is my first day off after nine consecutive days of work. to be fair, i didn't work full days on each and every one of those nine days, but since some of them were more than full days (i.e., 11a to 11p on Sunday), i think it averages out. needless to say, i'm kinda pooped. which makes the fact that my global warming article is due tomorrow even more distressing. because instead of spending the day snuggled up on my couch snoozing, and maybe knitting a little, i'm spending the day writing, re-writing, banging my head against the wall, re-re-writing, and wishing i had never committed to writing this article. sounds fun, no?

to make it all that much better, i'm in the midst of an emotional breakdown of the worst kind - the kind where you know it's kinda (mostly) your fault that you're at the point you're at, and that just makes you even more upset over something you would be upset at regardless. do you ever get to the end of something, the end of a relationship, and you look back and you don't understand how you got to where you are? i mean, you look back at all the little steps you took, the little lies you told yourself, the little justifications you made for someone else's behavior, the excuses you made ... and you wonder how you could - why you would - do that to yourself? when someone is so clearly not looking out for your best interests, shouldn't it become even more your responsibility to protect yourself, instead of enabling the other person in his efforts to treat you like sh-t? and even when everything is over and done and you've beat yourself up for being so stupid and you've cried and your eyes are swollen and it's time to move on with life ... do you wonder why you're still so sad?

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sending lots of love from CT. We think of you all the time and are so glad that you are our daughter. Here's hugs and hugs and hugs.

Love, MOM and DAD

7:59 PM  

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